Incognito Press

truth. knowledge. freedom. passion. courage. Promoting free-thinking, activism & rogue writing.

Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

How to lose your job on Facebook

Posted by E on July 13, 2010

Mental note: always remember if you add your pervy wanker of a boss to your Facebook friends list, or you might find yourself in a very awkward situation 😀

Read more funny Facebook no-nos here.

Advertisements

Posted in facebook, humor, humour | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Beijing 2008: Top 10 Olympic scandals, hissy fits and tantrums

Posted by E on August 23, 2008

This has been one colourful Olympics. For every glorious moment of well-deserved glory for winning athletes, there was a hissy fit, temper tantrum and otherwise classy behaviour from others not quite caught in the Olympic spirit.

It took until the last day to get our gold-medal moment of shame, which I will arbitrarily award to Cuba’s Angel Matos, but there are many other honorable mentions. So here they are, our spectacular lineup of athletic sportsmanship: *drumroll*

GOLD MEDAL LOSER: taekwondo (curtesy of CBC)

Taekwondo athlete Angel Matos of Cuba faces a lifetime ban after kicking the referee in the face following his disqualification in a bronze-medal match Saturday at the Beijing Games. Matos’s coach Leudis Gonzalez also faces a lifetime ban in response to the incident that took place at the end of the men’s over-80 kg bout.
“We didn’t expect anything like what you have witnessed to occur,” said World Taekwondo Federation secretary general Yang Jin-suk. “I am at a loss for words.”

SILVER MEDAL LOSER: wrestling (Courtesy of the Telegraph.uk)

Abrahamian threw down his 84kg greco-roman bronze in disgust after his shot at gold was ended by a decision denounced by the Swedish coach as “politics”. Abrahamian took the medal from around his neck during the medal ceremony, stepped from the podium and dropped it in the middle of the mat before storming off. The Swedish wrestler had to be restrained by team-mates earlier as a row erupted with judges over the decision in a semi-final bout with Andrea Minguzzi of Italy, who went on to the take gold. Abrhamian, who won silver at the Athens 2004 Games, shouted at the referee, then went over to confront judges, angrily throwing off the restraining arm of a team official. Swedish fans booed loudly as the judges filed out of the arena. Abrahamian said nothing to waiting reporters but whacked an aluminium barricade with his fist as he left the hall.

Abrahamian was eventually stripped of his bronze medal by the IOC because of this tantrum.

BRONZE MEDAL LOSER: fencing

I have decided to remove this particular entry because it is time to put this incident to rest.

OTHER (DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS:

These other guys didn’t throw hissy fits during their matches, but must be included nonetheless in order to have a complete account of Beijing 2008’s various petty dramas:

4. The lip-synching fiasco:

The golden Olympic opening ceremonies was somewhat tarnished by news accounts that some of the fireworks had been computer-added to the program we all saw, and that the pretty little girl in the red dress who sang so sweetly was actually lip-syncing, with the original pre-recorded child singer deemed “too ugly” by the Chinese program directors, because she had a missing tooth and buck teeth.

5. The underage gymnast scandal

Chinese gymnasts are very likely younger than the minimum allowed age of 16 – and certificates have been “doctored” by Chinese officials in order to allow them to participate, leading to a team gold medal and several other gold and silver medals that weren’t deserved. While this cheating allegation is currently being seriously investigated by the IOC, (one of the girls even admitted in a Chinese television interview last year that she was 14!) nobody is batting an eye at all the horrendous Chinese child labour practices that are going on in factories across China in order to feed the government coffers that wasted spent a disgusting 43 billion dollars in showing the world that “we do Olympics better than everybody else.”

Ok, I know a lot of people are saying in defense of the Chinese “Asian kids are much smaller than Western ones”, but let me tell you something. I taught kids in Korea for a whole year, and I did travel to China as well, and I’ve never taught a sixteen-year old who looked that young. From my guestimate as a teacher in Asia, three out of the six girls are 12 or 13 years old.

6. The Spanish slanty-eyes photos

This one speaks for itself. But apparently it wasn’t meant to be offensive, as hard as that may be to swallow. The Spanish basketball team (and their supporters – in the other photos) took out ads featuring this photo, saying “We are prepared for China!”; that is to say, being prepared for Chinese competition meant seeing things through their competitors’ eyes…

7. Accusations of bribery and manipulation in Boxing:


Bought boxing matches, what else is new? I only watched two matches before being too disgusted to continue. Read the account, courtesy of Yahoo News:

Boxing officials were battling to contain a major scandal on Saturday as serious claims of bribery and the manipulation of Olympic judging panels emerged after a series of disputed bouts.

The International Boxing Association (AIBA) suspended Romanian technical delegate Rudel Obreja after he held an impromptu and rowdy press conference and made lurid allegations against senior officials.

AIBA also revealed that it had been tracking “possible attempts of manipulation” for more than two months and had brought in an International Olympic Committee (IOC) observer “when the situation became more serious”.

8. The paralyzed dancer

Because of sloppy platforms and mishandling, a 26-year old woman who was supposed to perform a 2-minute solo dance at the Olympic opening ceremonies, a prize-winning and talented top Chinese dancer, fell and broke her back, resulting in complete paralysis from the waist down. Apparently she had laid in agony for 50 minutes while the emergency medical crew had to endure a lengthy security check. One wonders if more immediate attention and packing of her back in ice could have prevented to extent of the damage.

At first this story was given the usual sanitized Chinese cover-up. But as more stories emerged about the young Mongolian woman who came from nothing, and for whom dance was everything, the media picked up on it. The photo shows the brave face Liu Yan puts on as she wishes the best of luck to her country’s athletes. You have to hope that the Chinese government will be prepared to pay for her lifelong care, rehabilitation therapy and give her a generous pension. You just have to hope.

9. The Grannies sentenced to a year in a re-education labour camp

Two frail-looking Chinese women in their late 70s have caused a storm in China by applying to protest during the Olympics. They’ve embarrassed the Beijing authorities and so earnt themselves a one-year sentence to re-education through labour for disturbing the public order, and that’s even before they got a chance to actually protest. Their case has led to criticism that the so-called Olympic protest parks were never intended to allow people to demonstrate during the Games.

In an interview, neighbours Wu Dianyuan, 79, and Wang Xiuying, 77, said they had not received compensation after their homes were demolished by the city government seven years ago and were simply fighting for their rights.

In an interview, Wang (who is blind in one eye) and Wu were seated together in a ramshackle one-room apartment without electricity in which Wu now lives after her home in central Beijing was demolished to make way for a development.

“We have done nothing wrong,” said Wang.
“They won’t let me protest, then they sentence me to a year labour camp. […] It’s not fair.”

Thankfully, after all the media attention, their sentences have now been suspended, on the condition that they “behave well”. Read: no more protests for grandma.

10. The constant police presence. Read an excerpt from Globe&Mail’s article by G York:

Many of China’s security measures at the Olympics seemed to be symbolic threats, aimed at sending a strong warning message, rather than having any practical purpose. Why did China park an armoured vehicle outside the main Olympic Press Centre? Why did police walk through the crowd at Ditan Park last Sunday, taking photos of every citizen who was watching the closing ceremony on giant outdoor screens? Ditan Park is an ordinary park, not an Olympic venue, and nothing except the large television screens had any connection to the Olympics. Why did the police need to photograph everyone at the park?

I am leaving any other Olympic scandals that come to mind to the readers’ vote – what other dark moment sticks in your mind as an embarrassment to the Beijing 2008 Olympics? Please feel free to contribute your suggestions.

Posted in canada, cuba, culture, fencing, humor, humour, media, news, olympics, politics, press, wtf | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Steamy Ferret Sex involved in plagiarism scandal

Posted by E on February 5, 2008

ferret-sex.jpg

Here’s a recent story of one man’s succesful attempt to single-handedly ferret out (pun intended) plagiarism of his own work.

The internet is abuzz with the steamy story of a popular romance novelist plagiarizing an article about ferrets. Who is this blasphemous writer? Well, none other than Cassie Edwards, “one of the leading authors in Native American romance,” author of books with titles such as Savage Moon, Savage Glory, Savage Wrongs, Savage Torment, and — well, if you haven’t seen a pattern yet, check out this list of her books. She’s been writing pretty much the same book every month since 1982, with the same title and same model.

Paul Tolme, the original writer of the now-infamous (and some would say scandalous) article on ferrets, writes a brilliant piece of sarcastic commentary on the new-found fame of his ferret piece. If you think you’d appreciate a platter of dry wit served with a side of scintillating irony, you must read his article on Newsweek’s site.

I got quite a kick on the cut-and-pasted ferret article served chopped up with flavour within the post-coital conversation of Savage Bear (or was it Shadow? oh well) and his pioneer mistress. It’s classic.

Crap. If I knew it was that easy to get published in that genre, I’d have been typing up trashy straight romance fiction eeons ago! Wait! There’s still time…..

Posted in animals, books, humor, humour, wtf | 4 Comments »

Want Kids? Read the job description first!

Posted by E on November 8, 2007

 I was just emailed this witty job description from someone who has chosen to be child-free. Enjoy the read!

PARENT – JOB DESCRIPTION

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Papa

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required. 

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassed the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required, unfortunately. 
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION : 

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. 
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS : 
No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, although this job supplies some opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Posted in children, family, humor, humour, mother, parents | Leave a Comment »

Boycott “Awesome!” Can’t you think of any other way to express yourself?

Posted by E on October 22, 2007

If I hear the word “Awesome” one more time, I’m seriously going to hurl.

I really hate the word “Awesome”. No, I really, REALLY hate, despise, and go crazy when I hear it. The preponderance of morons who use it as a substitute for a milliard of other expressions is mind-boggling.

For all you “Awesome” lovers out there, there ARE other ways you can express yourself, you know.

If you’re having a good time or have just received a nice gift, you can use adjectives like “great, cool, neat, wonderful, brilliant, excellent.”

If you’re happy and in a good mood, you can say “I’m having a great time,” or “Fantastic!” or “Amazing”, “I’m having a blast”, “Radical” or “Super” or whatever your heart desires! If creativity is scarce, consider consulting a thesaurus – that’s what they’re there for.

Whether you’re a jock athlete after a game, a teen after a party or an office worker describing how your weekend was, can’t you find any other words beyond “Awesome” to describe your experience??

With the arrival of “Awesome!”, the sad, pathetic trend toward singular expressions in the English language has finally hit the titanic of all icebergs: every emotion, every positive experience, each nuance of happiness has come to meet under this overused and cliched umbrella word.

A friend of mine worked at a summer camp for teenagers last year, and at the end of the summer she received a gigantic Thank-You card from everybody, and I kidd you not, every single one of the youth wrote a note which included “Awesome!” i.e. “You’re an Awesome teacher, ____!” “I had an awesome time”, “Awesome camp”, Everything was so awesome”, and so on and so forth. I mean, how pathetic is that?. It’s bad enough kids these days don’t even learn to write in cursive anymore, now they can’t find any other ways or words to express themselves.

I for one have boycotted this word for the last two years. I have never used it, not once. And I have a hard time keeping myself from cringing when I hear it spewing ad nauseam from the mouths of adults who try to act hip by adopting the latest jargon.

So here’s a message to all Awesome -addicts: PLEASE, just try it for one day. ONE single day. Boycott this freaking word and see if your atrophied brain can muster up any other adjectives.
.

Posted in commentary, culture, humor, humour, life, media, personal, rant, stupidity, thoughts, weird, wtf | 6 Comments »

Want bigger boobs? Now easier than ever – just eat these F-cup cookies!

Posted by E on August 17, 2007

fcup-cookie02.jpg 

Hello ladies,

 on the heels of my recent entry about Japanese ice cream flavours (like goat chunks and raw horseflesh), here is another delectable offering.

If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and thought, “hmm, I wouldn’t mind a larger cup size” but don’t want to go to the expense and risks of plastic surgery, you can opt for this yummalicious-yet-practical snack: it acts like yeast on your boobs, growing them to immense proportions.

Each cookie contains 50mg of the “miracle breast enlarging herb” Pueraria Mirifica. How many cookies you’ll have to eat to get size F Cup is yet unknown.

But dear ladies, do beware, and try not to let your snacking get too out of hand, or your lovely cleavage might explode! Remember, they are called F-cup Cookie for a reason!

I only feel sorry for those plastic surgeons…now they’ll have to go out of business.

I regretfully must inform all that no, I do not offer these cookies on my site – though how I wish! I’d be making a fortune instead of begging all of you to buy my books or a cup of coffee, which none will do for me! (alas, cheap is the price of entertaining the masses these days…)

I would try to import these lovely cookies for you all but I am prevented by a tangled mess on international restrictions, a lack of vendor resale numbers, and a various unpleasant assortment of complicated tarrifs and Canadian food board censorship.

Side effects include cancers, pulmonary embolism and potential death. Methinks the recipe may need to be adjusted.

 must run along now. ta-ta, my pets 🙂

Posted in cuisine, food, girls, humor, humour, Japan, news, weird, women, wtf | 1 Comment »

Japanese ice cream flavours: Squid, eel, goat – not for the faint of heart!

Posted by E on August 8, 2007

Do these dog days of August have you all hot, sweaty and in need of some cool, flavourful ice cream? Wait no more! Straight from Japan, here are a scoopful of delicious offerings that are sure to intrigue your palate (and irritate your bowels).


1. Fish Ice Cream.

2. Octopus Ice Cream.

3. Squid Ice Cream.

4. Ox Tongue Ice Cream. What better way to tickle your taste buds than with another tongue? Though Ox Tongue Ice Cream may not be the first delicacy to come to mind, its taste is nothing to have a beef with.


5. Garlic Ice Cream. Incidentally, Garlic Ice Cream was made in the tiny Aomori Prefecture village of Shingo, which claims to be the place where Jesus Christ’s grave is located.


6. Charcoal Ice Cream.

7. Crab Ice Cream.


8. Squid Gut Ice Cream. Squid innards are often used as a condiment in Japanese cuisine, which I suppose makes it inevitable that it would find its way into ice cream.


9. Squid Ink Ice Cream. If the idea of Squid Gut Ice Cream seems unpalatable, perhaps Squid Ink flavor is more of a tentacled taste-bud tantalizer.


10. Wasabi Ice Cream – you know, that strong-tasting horseradish paste that comes with your sushi.


11. Shrimp Ice Cream.

12. Eel Ice Cream.

13. Pit Viper Ice Cream. Bite into this reptilian-flavored ice cream – that comes straight from a country that considers reptiles as aphrodisiacs!


14. Chicken Wing Ice Cream. Apparently this flavor actually tastes like a fried chicken wing.

15. Indian Curry Ice Cream.

goat-ice-cream.jpg

16. Goat ice cream – this ice cream doesn’t only consist of goat milk, but also quite a few parts of rest of the goat.

If none of these flavours seem very appetising, how about the creme de la creme? I’ve saved the best for last. Just see below 🙂

horse-ice-cream.jpg

17. Raw Horseflesh Ice Cream! If you always thought that old horses were destined for the glue factory, these creative Japanese corporate types have come up with an even more economical way to get rid of old Mr Ed – churn him up (raw, of course! Horse sushi, anyone?) in a blender and serve him chilled on a bed of ice cream!

Bon Apetit, everybody! 😉

Posted in cuisine, food, humor, humour, Japan, weird, wtf | 3 Comments »